


DISORDERS

by Wannie



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Anorexia, Anxiety, Bulimia, Depression, Eating Disorders, M/M, Rape/Non-con Elements, Rating: M, Sad Ending, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-26
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:54:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 11
Words: 12,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24394588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wannie/pseuds/Wannie
Summary: "Being with you, you give me disorders"- L.TY"I don't know whether you make my life better or worse"- Q.KN"I know I messed up, but please don't hate me"- M.TL
Relationships: Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Qian Kun, Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Lee Taeyong, Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Moon Taeil, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee, Moon Taeil/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 9
Kudos: 31





	1. 001

**_Ye keep silent,_ **   
**_Looks like everyone's gone._ **   
**_A siren that rings in my head,_ **   
**_It certainly does not seem to be this._ **   
**_While keeping silent,_ **   
**_Seems that everyone left._ **   
**_Oh, now I've got to do something._ **

_Is there something wrong with disorders? Did we ever do something to deserve this treatment? Everywhere you go, someone always thinks there something wrong with you. They treat you like you're a disease, they treat you like you're not human, they treat you like you're messed up in the head when you didn't even have the choice of being this way._

_People say things that hurt, people do actions that kill, but most importantly, people don't care about you. No one does, they just say they do for pity. All they they do is pity you, pity you, pity you until they can finally get rid of you. All people do is forget that you exist._

_It's not the world that's messed up, but rather humanity._

'01:27' read the clock. He couldn't sleep, everything seemed like it finally crashed down on him. Everything finally seemed like it had no hope, he was ready to give up. "I need Jaehyun" he said as he sat up on his bed, getting his phone. 

_Ring_

_Ring_

_Ring_

After the third one, he gave up. Nothingness, could be described as to what he feels right now. No one left, they're all gone, like the clouds once the sky turns dark, they're there, but you can't see them. 

Tears, tears, tears fall like waterfalls, none stop as the pain is unbearable. Not liking to be alone, not wanting to be forgotten, not wanting to be left in the dark, fearing death, but being depressed at the same time. 

'Will it end?' he thought. 

_Drip_

_Drop_

The rain outside now 10 times louder than before. "This isn't happening" Taeyong repeated over and over again, anxiety taking over as the image of what had happened earlier repeated in his head. 

He couldn't breathe, panic, panic, panic, a red light flashed in his head. What evil did he do in his past life to deserve this? Was what happened a nightmare, or did it really happen? 

He didn't want to know, and frankly he didn't care, all he wanted was for Jaehyun to comfort him, but he wasn't getting that tonight apparently. 

All thoughts aside, he got up from his bed instantly getting scared at the sound the old wooden floor made, but soon recovered from the scare and made his way to the kitchen. 

He reached for a drawer, where he knew his parents kept his medication, and took out his inhaler. He was about to use it, his hands shaking, until he heard his phone ring. He ran to it, as the only thought in his head on who it could be made him anxious. He looked at the caller ID,

Jaehyunie<3

He instantly picked up. 

"J-jaehyun, please help me" he breathed out, at this point his whole body was shaking. The tears, now falling harder than the rain outside, his eyes burned of how much he cried. His eyes were tired, he was tired of being sad all the time, he was tired of crying. But for some reason, he couldn't stop, and it wouldn't just be something that would go away the next day. 

_"_ _Taeyong_ _, what's wrong? Do I need to go there now? Where are you? What happened?"_ He asked, concerned for his boyfriend. 

"Please do, I can't be alone right now. They're not here, no one is here, it's dark, I'm scared" he said as his breathing became heavier. 

_"I'll be there soon, don't go out. Just wait for me, I love you"_ he said before hanging up. 

"I love you too" Taeyong said and brought the phone down, he slid down the wall, bringing his knees up to his chest as he put his head down, crying. Never in the past 18 years of his life has he felt as vulnerable as today, or tonight. 

He looked around, scared of being alone. He spotted, a knife, maybe the one his parents were using to make food, before they started fighting. 'Just do it' a voice said in his head. 

'Grab the motherfucking knife, do it, after all you're worthless, I bet Jaehyun wants to get rid of you. He's probably waiting for the day you end your worthless life' the voice repeated. 

He got up, following the instructions of the voice inside his head. He grabbed the knife, and went to the bathroom. Leaning over the sink. 

'You know what to do, you've done this before, go on, Lee Taeyong' that's what made him snap. 

He slid the sharp object over his skin, creating a burning, but calming sensation wash over him. Have you ever fallen outside, and scraped your knee? The burning feeling of your skin opening as blood gushes out? That's exactly what he's feeling. 

"One"  
He counted, and repeated the process. 

"Two" 

"Three" 

"Fou-"

"Lee Taeyong stop whatever you're doing this instant" he heard someone call out, and turned his head towards where the voice came from. 

It was Jaehyun, his saviour. 

Jaehyun walked towards him, taking the knife from him and throwing it in the bathtub before grabbing Taeyong by the waist and bringing him close. 

"Why did you do that? I told you to wait, I wanted you to wait for me" he said leaning down so he could put his head in the crook of his boyfriend's neck. 

Taeyong started crying again, "I-I'm sorry I couldn't wait for y-you, I couldn't help myself, they told me to do it Jae, I can't stop it, they keep haunting me" he said as he brought his hands up to wrap them around Jaehyun's neck. 

"Why am I this way? What's wrong with me?" He asked as he let out tiny sobs. "Don't say that" Jaehyun said looking at Taeyong's face "there's nothing wrong with you, you're perfect just the way you are" he said caressing his cheeks. 

They stayed like this for some time, the clock now read '02:30'. Taeyong fell asleep. Jaehyun carried him back to his bedroom, he covered him with the blankets, and then got in bed with him. He brought Taeyong's face to his chest as he cuddled him. 

"I'm sorry I didn't come in time my love, I'll always be there for you, I promise you" he said and kissed his forehead before drifting off to sleep with the boy he lived next to him. Knowing they'll be together even in his dreams. 

"Goodnight"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote the original on WattPad and decided to bring it here, I am the person who wrote it so please do not steal my work.


	2. 002

_**Even after crumpling my blanket,** _   
_**After screaming it out,** _   
_**I'm still awake.** _   
_**I can't sleep.** _   
_**So tell me.** _   
_**I'm still awake tonight,** _   
_**It'll probably be like that tomorrow night too.** _   
_**So tell me now,** _   
_**I'll find a way** _ **.**

_Afraid, can you feel it too? The fear, of not knowing what's gonna happen the moment you close your eyes? That you could be having the best dream one second, and the next, you're back in the real world where people hate you and don't treat you right._

_Waking up, not knowing how to tell between fantasy and reality. The fear, of sleeping_. 

"Taeyong, Taeyong, wake up" He said. He didn't wake up, lost in a dream he was. But not just any dream, a nightmare. Ever heard of lucid dream? He was seeing how his brother died multiple times, letting out agonizing screams each time. How he missed him. 

10 minutes, not waking up, continuing to scream in pain, and there was nothing Jaehyun could do but _Try_ to wake him up. He grabbed his shoulders, that were now wet with sweat, and shook him. "Taeyong, wake up!" He repeated. 

_No response_

He shook him harder this time, "Wake up, Wake up!" He repeated, louder this time. 

_Gasp_

He woke up, not being able to breathe, covered in cold sweat, as he felt pain all over his body. Shaking, he looked over at Jaehyun, tears in his eyes, he can't breathe, he feels like he's suffocating. 

_Have you ever hurt yourself with the thorns of a rose? Do you, remember he burning feeling of your slicing open?_

_Now, imagine a thousand of those, wrapped around your neck. Piercing into your esophagus, blocking out your breathing. Anxiety._

"Breathe, baby, breathe. Breathe in for five seconds" Jaehyun said holding his hands as he rubbed circles on them. Taeyong looked at him with wide eyes, but did as he told him. "Hold it for seven seconds" he said. Taeyong nodded, calming down a bit. 

"One"

"Two"

"Three"

"Four" 

"Five"

"Six"

"Seven" 

"Breathe out for eight, do you feel better now?" he said grabbing Taeyong's face to make him look at him. Taeyong only nodded, scared his voice would betray him. "Come here" he said pulling the smaller boy against his chest, and started playing with his hair. 

"What did you dream this time?" He asked. 

"I-I-I saw Mark" he said as he felt tears starting to well up in his eyes again. "Why didn't they find him! I'm sure he's still out there Jaehyun! I know he's out there" he said letting out sobs. "Taeyong, I'm sorry, the Ferry sank 4 years ago, Mark was never found" he said as he also felt sad for the events of the past. 

"I refuse to believe that! He's not gone, I know he isn't, he can't be dead, he was only 15, he deserved to have a life" he said. "Taeyong, I know you miss him, but you have to let go, and I think I have something that will help you on that" Jaehyun said getting up from the bed, going over to the computer, putting in a USB. 

"The police gave me this, they said that they found Mark's phone with this video that said 'For Taeyongie Hyung', and I think it's time you watch it" he said as a video popped up on the screen making Taeyong stand up and run over to the screen. As soon as Taeyong got comfortable in the rolling chair he had for his computer, Jaehyun played the video.

_"Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday our lovely Taeyong_ _Hyung_ _, happy birthday to you" Mark said as he entered his brothers room with a small cake he prepared himself. "Ah_ _Markie_ _you shouldn't have done this" Taeyong said wiping the happy tears that came out of his eyes._

Taeyong looked at his younger self, remembering how happy he used to be. He missed that Taeyong. He looked at the top of the screen, it read '2011_0701'. His 12th birthday. July 01, 2011. 

_"Ah_ _Taeyongie_ _Hyung_ _, did you know, you're the best big brother out there" the nearly 11 year old Mark said. "_ _Aish_ _come here you little punk" Taeyong said as he chased after his baby brother. "No Hyung stop" he giggled ._

_The video cut off._

_'2013_0802' read the next one. 'One year before the incident' he thought as he watched the video. "Taeyong Hyung, I know you're busy with High School, but I wanted you to meet my boyfriend, Donghyuck" he said as he signaled the other boy to come to frame._

_"Hello Taeyong Hyung, I'm Lee_ _Donghyuck_ _, nice to meet you-" he said before the video cut off._

_'2014_0802' the day of the incident, Taeyong thought. "Mom I'm going off!" Mark screamed as he went towards his brothers room. "Get out!" Taeyong yelled before Mark even said anything._

_They'd fought the night before, and Mark wanted to apologise, but Taeyong didn't know that._

_"I HOPE YOU DROWN IN THAT DAMN FERRY, AND DIE, I HATE YOU!" he yelled at his baby brother before slamming the door shut. "FINE, MAYBE I WILL, FUCK YOU TOO!" Mark yelled back and marched outside the house._

_'2014_0803' "it's currently 01:27am Taeyong Hyung, I know I probably made you mad, but I hope you don't really hate me, what you said yesterday hurt me, I hope when I go back we can sort things out, I love you Hyung"_

_The video cut off, but was soon followed by another one._

_"Taeyong Hyung, I don't know if I'll be able to go back home" he heard his brother cry out. "The Ferry, it, it, it tilted 60°, and it keeps tilting. People are starting to slide, Hyung I'm scared"- the video cut off._

_"Hyung, Hyung, does this thing even work?" He asked checking his camera. "Hyung, I don't think I'll make it" he said with a sad smile as he showed down, the water already reaching his waist._

_"Don't be sad please, I want you to be happy, I want you to continue your life without me" he said as a tear fell from his eye._

_"If I don't make it home, tell Mom and Dad I love them, please take care of yourself. Eat more, you're growing way too skinny. Most importantly, tell_ _Donghyuck_ _I love him. And tell_ _Renjun_ _and_ _Jaemin_ _that_ _Jeno_ _said he loves them" he said smiling sweetly at the screen as tears fell from his eyes._

_"Hyung, I love you, please never forget-" the video cut off._

At that point, Taeyong was crying waterfalls. "I'm sorry you had to wait so long to see that, I just didn't know when was the right time to show it to you" Jaehyun said. 

"It's okay, at least now I know my baby brother is okay, I know that he wants the best for me" he said bringing his hands up to cover his face. 

"I'm sorry" Jaehyun repeated as he embraced Taeyong. He for once in the past 4 years felt peaceful.  
  


Until,

"Taeyong, I'm home!" His mom came. 

____________________

_Now before you attack my ass on how I wrote about a tragedy that happened in real life, I think I have the right to talk about it because my cousin died in the_ _Sewol_ _Ferry. I changed the dates obviously because I felt that I couldn't just steal a tragedy that happened in real life._

_May everyone who died in that Ferry rest in peace, I love you, my dear cousin._


	3. 003

**_"Will it stop now?_**  
 ** _These raindrops,_**  
 ** _These tears?_**  
 ** _I don't want to get wet with rain,_**  
 ** _And tremble with cold._**  
 ** _Someday, the cold rain will_**  
 ** _Become warm tears,_**  
 ** _And fall down._**  
 ** _It's alright,_**  
 _ **It's just a passing downpour**_."

_Did you know, your fucking words hurt? That maybe sometimes you need to think before you open your damn mouth._

  
_Did you also ever think that cancers are the best friends you could have, but also the most emotional ones. We get hurt with the slightest of things and words. People hurt us so much to the point where some of us can't even cry anymore. Why?_

_Why must we be treated differently? Just because we're emotional?_

"Taeyong, I'm home!" He heard his mom call out. He looked at Jaehyun "Don't worry, I won't leave you. You're my main priority" he said leaning down to kiss Taeyong's cheek. "I love you so much, Jung Jaehyun, you know that?" Taeyong said while smiling.

'Oh god, how I missed his smile' Jaehyun thought and smiled back just as sweetly. "I love you too, my soon to be Jung Taeyong" he said with a grin. Taeyong then playfully hit his chest and giggled nervously "We can't talk about that here, my mom could hear". "So what, let everyone hear" Jaehyun said. 

"Jaehyun I-"

"Taeyong" his mom said as she entered his room. "Mom! When did you get here?" He asked nervously scratching the back of his neck. "Taeyong, I'm going to ask you a question, and I want nothing else but the truth" she said looking up at her son. Taeyong nodded, scared. "Do you like men?" She asked. 

Taeyong froze, how did she figure it out, he thought. "Mom I-" "Yes" Jaehyun answered for him. "Yes he likes men, so what? Him and I have been dating for the past 6 years" Jaehyun said stepping in front of Taeyong, protecting him. "Son, is this true?" His mom asked him. 

......

He stayed silent. His mom just giggled and smiled up at Jaehyun "Well why didn't you tell me sooner, I've been wanting both of you to get together for the past years, and apparently you're already together. I'm happy for you Taeyong, you finally found someone to make you happy" she said making Taeyong and Jaehyun look at her with wide eyes and their mouths wide open. 

Definitely not the reaction they were expecting. 

"Now come one you two love birds, lunch is almost done" she said leaving both of them shocked. "Did you see this coming Jaehyun!" Taeyong said. "Nope". Both of them laughed. "Well at least, now we don't have to hide" Taeyong said looking up at Jaehyun. 

"Do you think you're gonna be able to eat?" Jaehyun asked. 

Well, if you didn't know, Taeyong is a bit anorexic. He barely eats, and when he tries to, he ends up getting a stomach ache, and then proceeds to make himself throw up to stop the pain. That's why some days he'll eat half a cup of ramen, or even just an apple. Believe it or not, it's enough to fill him. Yet he still weight 128Ibs, which to him, he's still too fat. You might even add that he's the skinniest out of all his friends. 

He's at a normal weight for his height, 5'9, but he still wants to lose more weight despite already being small. Why? Well, he doesn't know the reason either. 

To answer Jaehyun's question, he nodded. He hated it when Jaehyun worried too much, I mean. He love having company, especially from someone he loves, but he absolutely hates it when that person worries too much. 

'i'll just make myself throw up after' he thought. Then him and Jaehyun walked downstairs where his mom was serving the food. 

"Come here, that one is for Jaehyun, and that one is for you Taeyong" she said smiling. Taeyong looked at the plate and gulped, how was he supposed to eat all of this? 3 pancakes, with scrambled eggs, some salmon, shrimp, and soup to the side. "Mom, I'm not that hungry, I'll just drink the soup" he said smiling at the older woman. 

Jaehyun looked at him with a sad face, so Taeyong mouthed a 'i can't eat all of it' before drinking the soup. The soup tasted amazing, but he felt sick. He had to gulp it down, he didn't want someone else to worry about him. Especially not his mom. All she would do is send him to Jeju, and after Mark disappeared on his way to Jeju, he doesn't even want to remember that place exists. 

"Taeyong, I'm going out" his mom said standing up. "Where are you going?" He said grabbing her waist and snuggling against her. "Aish, so old, and still act like a baby" she said caressing his hair. "I'm still a baby to you" he said looking up at his mom. 

"I'm going out, to talk with your father, he said he has something to tell me. Don't worry though, I won't let him touch you ever again" she said kissing her son's forehead before heading off. 

As soon as the door closed shut, he ran to the restroom and started hugging the toilet seat as he wanted to cry from the pain. Jaehyun soon joined him and caressed his back, "Let it all out" and as soon as said that. Taeyong started pucking. He didn't even finish the damn thing, but here he is. He did this to himself. 

And he knows he's eventually gonna die from this, but he doesn't want to get help. He doesn't want to bother people, he just wants to be with Jaehyun until the day he dies. 

Unfortunately, you never know what destiny has for you. Today was different though, he didn't throw up that much. "Taeyong, I know you're not in the best shape, but I was wondering if you wanted to visit Jeno, Jaemin and Renjun" Jaehyun asked.

And yes, Jeno survived, how? Because of Mark, Mark sacrificed himself so Jeno could live. Whenever he first disappeared, Taeyong's dad went to look for his son. He wanted to find him, he didn't want to loose hope. But 3 days into the search, while he was awake in the middle of the night. He heard him, he heard Mark, he was calling out for him. 'Dad, Dad, please save me, _I'm still_ _here'_ _he_ heard his son say. 

But once he woke up, absolutely nothing, months went by, almost everyone was found, but not Mark Lee. He was set as missing along with 4 other students. Those who were never found, not alive, not dead. And then years later, the search was closed, the government thought it was time to close it. 

Even with 5 bodies missing. His dad went crazy, whenever Jeno wanted to see Mark's mom and talk to her on how sorry he was, his dad would spit disgusting words at him, beat him up, and didn't let him step foot inside their house. 

He went insane, so later came..

Divorce.

"I think I want to see Donghyuck first, then Taeil and Doyoung, and finally Jeno, Jaemin and Renjun" Taeyong said looking at Jaehyun. 

"Well then, is it that you want to tell Donghyuck the truth?" Jaehyun asked. Taeyong stayed silent, "I'll take that as a yes then" Jaehyun said. 

"I don't want him to be in pain anymore"


	4. 004

_**You don't need to close your eyes** _   
_**Because in the place that get lighted on,** _   
_**There's a shadow there's a shadow exist.** _   
_**If you looking back there,** _   
_**The bright light will be there,** _   
_**Waiting for you.** _   
_**Am I doing right or not?** _   
_**Honestly, I was anxious back then,** _   
_**But** _   
_**Now there's so many flowers that are** _   
_**Lighting us up.** _   
_**(Lighting us up)** _   
_**I don't feel uncertain anymore.** _

_Maybe, the world would be happier if I wasn't here._   
_Maybe, I am not important._

_I am a burden to everyone._

"Jaehyun, are you sure you wanna go with me? I don't want to bother you more than what I already have, your mom is probably wondering where you are" Taeyong said as him and Jaehyun walked in the streets. Hand in hand. 

  
"Don't worry about that, my mom knows I'm with you" Jaehyun said smiling, his deep dimples showing. Taeyong let out a sigh, "I don't know if Donghyuck will be accepting of us visiting him" he said.

"He'll be fine, he's a strong person" Jaehyun said. "We both know that's a lie Jaehyun, this boy cried when Mark and I got in a fight, and I left Mark with a purple eye. He doesn't know how to deal with things, so he just cries instead. Like me" Taeyong mumbled the last part.

"Taeyong, stop, I know you think you're weak. But I know that deep down, you're strong. I know you can get through this. Even in the darkest times there's still a bit of light and hope" Jaehyun said cupping Taeyong's cheeks making him look up at him.

"Jaehyun, even a shadow needs light to exist" Taeyong said looking up at the younger male. At this point, Jaehyun wasn't listening to whatever Taeyong said, so he leaned down and gave Taeyong a quick peck. Taeyong was flustered, so he shut up.

"Let's just tell him the truth once and for all" Jaehyun said swinging their locked hands in the air.

"Here we are" Taeyong said nervously.   
"We'll be okay" Jaehyun reassured him, squeezing his shoulder.

**_Knock Knock_ **

The door opened, but it didn't reveal Donghyuck.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


"Mark!?" Taeyong said. "I-i-i thought you died i-" he didn't get to finish his sentence before he fainted. Jaehyun however, instantly catched him. "Jaehyun hyung? Taeyong Hyung? What are you guys doing here?" Mark asked feeling slightly happy of finally being able to see his brother after 4 years. 

"Well we were gonna tell Donghyuck you were dead, but seems that we don't need to do that" Jaehyun said holding Taeyong bridal style. Mark chuckled lightly rubbing the back of his neck before a family, shorter male came behind him. 

"Mark who's- oh hi Jaehyun Hyung, and- Taeyong Hyung?" Donghyuck said. "Come one inside" Donghyuck said moving from the door letting Jaehyun and Mark bring in Taeyong. 

"He looks so I'll" Mark said. "He is, he doesn't eat well, he doesn't sleep, he cries a lot, and he-he hurts himself" Jaehyun said crouching down to cares Taeyong's soft hair. 

"When did this start?" Mark asked. 

"Sometime before you know, we thought you were dead" Jaehyun said. "I don't know if he ever told you, he probably didn't, but he got sexually harassed and abused four years ago" he continued. 

"WHAT! WHO DID THAT TO HIM!" Mark exclaimed. "I don't remember, I just remember that two years after he it happened to him, the same person did it to Taeil. Unfortunately, Taeil is the one who really ended up hurt, he got paralyzed from the waist down. He can't walk ever again" Jaehyun said looking down. 

Mark brought his hands up to his hair and gripped it tightly. "And this all happened around the same time I went 'missing'?" Mark asked to what Jaehyun only nodded his head. 

"It's all my fault" mark thought. 

"Him and Taeil have never been the same after that. Taeil moved in with Doyoung, but never told him, and Taeyong never told his mom" he sighed. "Why didn't he? He could've gotten help! Now he's just depressed he should've done something!" Mark said frustrated. 

"Mark! You have to understand, it's not easy for someone to talk about this! Just like it wasn't easy for you to come back to us, to the point where they reported you missing and couldn't find you!" Jaehyun spat back.

"Don't drag me into this because my situation is a completely different story!" He said. "Oh really? Making your family suffer for the past four years was your master plan? For them to separate from each other once you left?" Jaehyun asked. 

"That's not my point! I just couldn't face them at the time!" He said frustrated. "So you made them wait four years and you were planning on making them wait even more?" Jaehyun said standing up. 

They were nearly the same height, so they were staring into each other's eyes. Just when Mark lifted up his hand to slap the older man before him, Donghyuck spoke up. 

"Aish these are our boyfriend's, fighting like fucking five year olds, am I right Taeyong Hyung?" They heard Donghyuck say.

They both looked at his direction and saw Donghyuck fake crying as Taeyong hugged him. They both chuckled at the scene in front of them. 

"Now Mark, I think you've got some explaining to do" Donghyuck said standing up and walking towards Mark linking their arms. "Babe i-" 

"No no no, explain to them, I'll make some lunch" Donghyuck said before getting on his tip toes and pecking Mark on the lips, before walking away. 

"Now you've got some explaining to do young man" Taeyong said in a sassy tone crossing his arms. "Yeah I'm gonna go help Donghyuck, I'll leave you two to your thing" Jaehyun said before sneaking his way to the kitchen.

_________________

"Now you've got some explaining to do too old man" Donghyuck told Jaehyun. 

"Ah um, about what?"he asked. "Taeyong said you two are dating, and I have some questions for you" he said as he grabbed a knife from one of the cabinets. 

"I-i" 

"Now tell me, do you make Taeyong Hyung happy? Have you two, done IT?" He said pointing the knife at Jaehyun. 

"I- how about I tell you about why Taeyong is depressed first" Jaehyun said moving the knife to it wasn't pointing at him anymore. 

"Yes please, I don't want Taeyong to die" Donghyuck said jokingly..

_But oh what does the future hold them._   
_It isn't up to them what happens, and not everything will always be as happy as today._

____________________

_Maybe, just maybe, things will get better some day._

_But....who knows._

_Life sometimes doesn't get better._


	5. 005

_**Take my hand now** _   
_**You are** _   
_**The cause of my** _   
_**Euphoria.** _

_Yeah, the death I've been craving for years is finally here. The loneliness I've never wanted to feel is finally kicking in. I have no friends, I have no one, not even myself. I am a lonely piece of shit like they all said._

_I shall die._

"Now talk Mr. Lee Mark. Why did you never come back?" Taeyong said grabbing Mark's hands. 

"I just wasn't ready to face you guys, after they reported the ones that were never found dead, I just couldn't bring myself to suddenly pop out of nowhere" he said. 

"But what about dad? He said he heard you calling out for him, one of those nights! That drove him insane and now he's an alcoholic!" Taeyong said not comprehending what was going on. 

"I was dead, not for long though. When they brought oxygen back into the ferry, that's when I woke up and was able to escape by my own will. I was very hungry, and filled with oil, that's all I remember" Mark said. 

"And then? You decided to come to Hyuck rather than your family?" He said as tears welled in his eyes again. 

"Hyung I'm sorry, but you just don't understand, i just wasn't ready to come back and have that label or "dead" boy" Mark said getting frustrated. 

"So you abandoned me just for a stupid label, you care more about your reputation than your brother?" He asked and he finally started to cry. 

"No Hyung, I love you the most, you're my brother, but I think I had to let you get over me before you could see me again. So that way it wouldn't hurt as much, but now you're here, and you know I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere" Mark said gripping Taeyong hands. 

They both looked at each other for a moment, silent happy tears fell down both of their faces. And finally, after four long years, they embraced each other. After such a long time, finally being able to feel the warmth of the person you loved the most. No matter how many times you fight, no matter how many times you say 'i hate you' , the love of a sibling can never be replaced. 

Not   
Even  
By  
Time.   
Not   
By   
Death.  
Not   
By  
Anyhing. 

"I love you so much" Taeyong said as he sobbed into Mark's shoulder. "I love you too, I never meant anything I said that day. I never want to loose you" Mark said. 

In the background Hyuck and Jaehyun were watching them with tears in their eyes. 

"I can't believe this real life, I'm actually sobbing" Hyuck said wiping the fake tears. 

"I wish I had a brother" Jaehyun said as he faked cried too. 

"Hey guys, stop Stan around and join this emotional hug!" Taeyong said as he pulled both of them into the hug. 

🌹

"Bye hyungs~" Hyuck yelled as he waved his hand goodbye at Jaehyun and Taeyong. 

"You think it was good to come here today? The discovery we made?" Jaehyun asked while looking at a very happy Taeyong. 

"The best one i ever made, after meeting you" he said and Jaehyun pulled him in for a hug.

"I'm so glad you're smiling more than usual" he said poking Taeyong's cheek. 

"I'm very happy too" he said while continuing to walk. 

Funny enough, all of them lived around the same neighborhood after graduating High School. 

  
He knocked on the door.  
  
  


To his surprise.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Taeil opened it.

"Taeyong!" He screamed out. "Taeil Hyung!" He yelled as he leaned down to hug his disabled friend. "I missed you so much Taeyong!" Taeil said tightly hugging him as he has had trouble reaching him from the wheelchair.

"Come on inside you two, just wait a minute for me I still have trouble moving around in this thing" he said and started to move the wheels. Making room for both of his guests to come inside.

"Taeil, babe, I told you to wait for me to get out of the shower to help you if- oh hey Taeyong, Jaehyun" Doyoung said stepping into the living room.

"I know, but someone was knocking the door, and I had to open it" he said while pouting making Doyoung pinch his cheeks.

"You are so adorably cute" he said before he helped Taeil get up.

His legs were shaking, he still had no mobility in them, and the chance of him ever walking again is very low. So each time he tried to get up, he needed assistance.

He whimpered while stumbling forward not being able to keep his balance. "Hey, hey, it's okay, I'm right here to catch you" Doyoung said while sweetly smiling at him.

Oh how he misses being able to walk on his own.   
Something he will never have again.   
Because of a disgusting man that couldn't keep his sexual needs to himself.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Disgusting Man that not even the police bothered to look for.


	6. 006

_**Take a breath** _   
_**Until both sides of your heart,** _   
_**Get numb.** _   
_**Until it hurts a little,** _   
_**Let out your breath** _   
_**Even more.** _   
_**Until** _   
_**You feel like** _   
_**There's nothing left inside.** _   
_**It's okay of you run out of breath,** _   
_**No one will blame you.** _   
_**its ok to make mistakes.** _

  
"So how have you been recently?" Taeyong asked. "Same old same old, can never get out of that chair without someone helping me" Taeil said while grabbing a rubik's cube that was set on the counter next to him.

  
"You know, you could get help, therapy, to try and learn to walk over again" Taeyong said. "I'm sorry Taeyong, but that's not gonna happen" Taeil answered quickly. 

"But why Hyung? Why have you changed so much? You're usually not the one to give up such an opportunity or to just give up" he said standing up.

"People change Taeyong, whether it's for the best or for the worst, I'm not the same as I used to, and I'm as young as I used to be. Maybe you forgot because of how long it's been since we last talked, but I'm turning 25 this year. My energy isn't the same as it used to, and being here, stuck in that chair, just makes me ten times more tired for no reason. Yes, I want to get up, I want to walk again, but I don't see that point in waisting so much time for something impossible" Taeil answered rudely. 

"Don't talk to Taeyong like that!" Jaehyun said raising his voice. 

"And you don't talk to Taeil like that!" Doyoung said slightly pushing Jaehyun making him stumble backwards. 

"Stop both of you!" The older scolded. "And you two, get out of my house!" Taeil said pointing at the door. "Taeil Hyung i-" "I said get out of my house" he cut him off as tears started to fall down his eyes. 

See Taeil is older, but definitely smaller, weaker, and way sensitive than all of them. Even more than Taeyong, but this is the first time he cried in front of a friend after he told him something hurtful. 

"Hyung I-I didn't mean to make you cry- I didn't want to hurt you-" 

"Just please get out" Taeil said in a small voice, holding in sobs. 

Taeyong then nods and grabs Jaehyun's hand, running outside. 

As soon as they walked out the door, Taeil broke down. He was trying to be strong after all these years, he tried carrying every comment, every hurtful words, everything anyone told him that got to him. But now, he can't hold it in anymore. 

Doyoung walked over to him, and embraced him. "It's okay Taeil, just let it all out" he said while caressing his hair. 

  
"Shhhh, it's okay Taeil. I know how much you miss walking, and Taeyong has to understand that" he said and looked down at the shorter.

"Doyoung"

"Yes?"

"If I told you what actually happened, you wouldn't hate me right?"

"Of course not"

🌹

"I'm a terrible person, and friend" Taeyong said as they were sitting down in an ice cream shop. 

"No you're not, although you did hit a sore spot, but you're not a bad friend, you just need to watch that mouth of your sometimes" Jaehyun said handing Taeyong a plate of ice cream sundae. 

"No thank you, I'm not hungry" he said rejecting the food. "Taeyong, you haven't eaten anything since the morning, please eat this" he insisted. 

"No, no really, it's okay. I got used to eating once a day" he said smiling. 

"That's not healthy, I don't want you to end up being fed through tubes. I want you to be healthy again, you look too much like a stick" Jaehyun said grabbing Taeyong's hands. 

  
"I-I- you should go home Jaehyun, you've been gone for too long, don't worry though, I'll be okay" Taeyong said smiling at him. "You sure you'll be okay baby?" He asked.

"Of course, we'll visit Jeno, Renjun, and Jaemin tomorrow" He said.

"Okay, but promise me you'll make it home safely" Jaehyun said

"I promise"

"Okay then" Jaehyun said and leaned forward to give a quick peck on Taeyong's lips.

"I love you" he then went out the store.

"I love you too" he said and choked out a sob.

"I can't deal with this, it hurts too much" he said clutching his chest.

He stood up and walked out of the shop, but as soon as he did, he was met with more drama.

He's completely a drama magnet.

"Ten, please stop, I want to go places too" a relatively small male told the taller man standing I'm front of him.

"You're not allowed to go anywhere don't you remember our deal. You were sold to me, I can do whatever the fuck I want with you" the other male who's name seems to be Ten said.

"P-please, I-I'm really h-hungry" the shorter male said as tears started to form in his eyes.

"Kun, kun, my sweet little Kun. You know, if I wasn't such a sucker for seeing you suffer, this would make me feel bad. But I love seeing you beg, and cry for me to do something to you" the other one said smirking.

"P-please I really want to eat _food_ " he said and got on his knees. Literally begging.

"More you little bitch-"

"Hey, I don't think it's right to treat your partner like that!" Taeyong said addressing the situation going on in front of him.

"And I don't think it's right for you to butt into people's business, such a fucking prick. I bet your partner left you out here by yourself because you're just a stray cheap slut" he said laughing.

"Ten don't-"

"You shut the fuck up too" he interrupted the other male.

"Look pretty boy, I don't care who you are, or who you think you are, but if you ever think that it's a good idea to try and help other people. Think again because I won't back down from a fight. Especially not against a skinny, weak boy like you" he said before harshly grabbing Kun's wrist and dragging him inside the shop.

He's got to admit.

Those words. 

Hit him hard. 


	7. 007

" ** _isn't it lovely?_**  
 ** _All alone_**  
 ** _Heart made of glass_**  
 ** _My mind of stone_**  
 ** _Tear me to pieces_**  
 ** _Skin and bone_**  
 ** _Hello_**  
 ** _Welcome home"_**

_I can't...I just can't...everything feels numb everything hurts, my heart hurts, my head hurts, my stomach hurts, everything just hurts._

  
"J-Jaehyung" Taeyong called out for him as he laid on the cold floor. He felt like he was suffocating, his chest, hurting and felt restrained. However, he couldn't reach his phone. 

  
Jaehyun wasn't there for him, and he didn't know how to deal with it. "I n-need J-Jaehyun" he kept telling himself as he tried to move, but it was useless.

Anxiety got the best of him, he couldn't move, he couldn't hear, he couldn't breathe.

He tried doing the breathing exercises Jaehyun thought him, but it was useless. He gave up, and just decided to pass out. There's no point in trying, even if he died it would be peaceful and no one would know.

Less trouble for everyone he thought. And well he just let it be....

🌹

  
"Wake up please, wake up" Jaehyun said as he held Taeyong's hand.

You see there's this thing, where if Jaehyun feels like there's something wrong with Taeyong, he will instantly go and look for him. Even without communication, he can just feel it. Therefore, he checked up on Taeyong, only to find him passed out on the floor.

Not only that, but while laying down in the hospital bed, Taeyong would continuously start screaming in agony. It made Jaehyun very said, how he wished he could just take all of his lowers pains. But he can't, which makes him feel bad.

He started screaming once again, as if he was in really bad pain, which honestly he probably is in. I mean, he never told his parents he got raped. He's only told the few people close to him.

At one point he opened his eyes, but they weren't there. They were rolled to the back of his head, all that was visible was white.

"Taeyong" he cupped his cheek "I'm right here, please wake up" he said as he started caressing his cheek.

Surprisingly, he finally came to his senses. He squinted his eyes at first due to the bright hospital lights, before focusing on Jaehyun.

"Where am I? Why is there a tube connected to me? Get it off! Jaehyun get it off! I'm gonna gain weight!" He said starting to packing once again.

"Taeyong calm down, you're at the hospital, and i can't take that off, that's for the doctors to do" he said trying to calm him down.

"Why? Why did you bring me here? I don't like doctors, doctors did bad things to Taeyongie when I was young" he said suddenly changing to third person.

"Taeyong don't worry, this is my friend. Plus he's married, so he wouldn't try anything" he said softly.

"I don't wanna gain weight" he said as tears fell down his eyes. "Baby you won't, and even if you do you'll still be beautiful in my eyes" he said softly while caressing the orders hair.

"Am I interrupting something?"

🌹

"Doyoung, let me explain please" Taeil begged. "Explain what? The fact that's you never told me you got raped, and that's why you can't walk? Yeah, I don't think there's anything to explain" he said grabbing his things. 

"Please don't go, I'm sorry i didn't tell you" he said as tears trickled down his face. "There's no point, I'll come back later" he said opening the door when he heard a loud thud. He turned around to see Taeil on the floor trying to follow him, but failing miserably. " ** _I know I messed up, but please don't hate me_** " he said. 

"I think we need time from each other, to regain some trust you know" he said and walked out, locking the door in the process. 

Taeil was left there, on the floor, cold, alone, and left to reflect whether it was the right decision or not. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" he said to himself and attempted to sit up. Luckily his chair was there, so he could hold on to it. 

He took out his phone, and dialed a number. 

"Johnny? Are you busy?" He asked as he wiped away the tears. "No, I just...could you please come? Thank you" he hung up, and started sobbing almost instantly. 

🌹

"I'm gonna get sick" Taeyong whined. "The hospital is full with germs, please let me go home" Taeyong whined. 

"I'm sorry baby, but the doctor gets to decide that. You need help with your anxiety, it's getting out of hand" Jaehyun said and caressed his hair. 

"I don't need help with anything, I can deal with it by myself" He stubbornly said. "Taeyong, you're not a doctor, you can't" Jaehyun said a bit more serious this time. 

"I don't wanna gain weight, I don't wanna get sick. Wait, what medicine did the give me?" He asked. 

"Steriod's" Jaehyun answered. 

Now that made Taeyong freak out, "No! Why? I'm gonna gain so much weight I'll look like a fat pig" he said nearing tears. 

"Taeyong, be.quiet" Jaehyun said while looking at him seriously.

Not gonna lie, it kinda hurt Taeyong. But he decided to ignore it and turn his back to Jaehyun. "Just leave, I'm probably annoying you anyways" he said as tears started to gather in his eyes. 

"No baby i-" 

"Just go, you have school work to do anyways. And don't say you don't cause you're younger than me, so I know you do" he said and covered himself with the blanket. He then heard the door open, and close. 

Once it closed, he broke down. 

He shouldn't think big on things people tell him, but that simple Be Quiet, made him feel annoying. 

'Do I really annoy him that much?' Taeyong said in his head. 

'Why does he even still keep me around?" He kept thinking all these bad things. 

It's really hard not to, just jumping to conclusions without even knowing the real reason.

Thinking people hate you for no reason. 

Anxiety is (not) fun. 

🌹


	8. 008

**_"Dear my love,_ **   
**_I can't live without your_ **   
**_Love"_ **

_What is this? The world we live in? Why are we here? The pain is unbearable, just let me go_. 

"Taeil?" Johnny asked as he entered the apartment. Taeil had given him a spare key in case anything happened. 

He walked around for a bit, before he saw the passed out Taeil on the floor. Tear stained cheeks and his chair behind him. "Taeil!" He yelled before dropping down to pick the small boy up. 

Let's just say that after Taeil became paralyzed, he was the second one to know the reason why. After Taeyong of course. 

  
"Taeil Hyung, wake up please" he said laying the boy down on his bed. He looked so peaceful, but Johnny knew the truth, he was stressed. He dialed Doyoung's phone number.

" _Hello Johnny hyung"_ he answered happily.

Johnny could clearly hear someone with him in the background, but decided to ignore it.

"Doyoung you snake, what the fuck did you do to Taeil?" He asked.

 _"What do you mean? As in, leaving him by himself, ah don't worry he likes that. He loves not telling anyone about his problems, so I just left him there"_ he said, the woman in the background now being very clear to hear.

"Doyoung you bitch, Taeil has been passed out on the floor for the past 2 hours, and you're just over there with another woman! You know what, you can fuck right off, I'm keeping Taeil for myself" he said before hanging up.

He looked at the sleeping boy "don't worry Taeil, I'm here now. I'll take good care of you" he said and quickly pecked his lips before covering him with a blanket and going into the kitchen.   
  
  
  
  


🌹  
  
  
  


"What do you mean he tried to hang himself yesterday!" Jaehyun exclaimed at the doctor. "Sir Jung, after you left. He tried to choke himself with the wires, so we had to lock him to the bed" the doctor responded. 

That was all Jaehyun needed to run into Taeyong's room. There he saw the black haired male, all locked to the bed. His head thrown back as he tried to get out. Tears running down his face as he kept screaming. 

  
Jaehyun instantly got next to him "Taeyong, I'm right here. I'm right here, I'm gonna get you out" he said caressing his cheek making Taeyong look at him.

"Please, get me out of here" he said sobbing. If anyone didn't know what Taeyong is going through, they would've already thought he's insane, and would've sent him to a rehab center. But that person isn't Jaehyun, and he's not gonna do that.

He walked out to see the front desk, and walked towards the woman on the computer "I am here to discharge Lee Taeyong" he said and placed money in front of the nurse. "Sorry sir, you can't do that".

"Oh I can, and i just did. Discharge him before I call the police for this mistreatment" he said, venom could be heard in his voice.

"Sir, I really can't-"

"Do you have any idea who I am? I am Jung Yoonoh, son of the Jung family, if I want something done get it done before I fire all of you!" He threatened.

The nurse would've honestly called the police, but she couldn't due to Jaehyun's mom being a policewoman and his dad owning the hospital.

"Yes sir" she said before getting the paperwork.

He signed everything before going back yo Taeyong's room.

The small boy kept trying to get out of the handcuffs that kept him tied to the bed.

"Taeyong, I'm right here, I already got you discharged just be patient" he said caressing the boys hair.

He stopped struggling and looked at Jaehyun before crying more, "I love you" he said crying.

"I love you too, my soon to be Jung Taeyong"   
  
  


🌹  
  


"You'll listen to what I say, you got that?" Ten said as he forcefully grabbed Kun's chin making the smaller boy look at him. He only nodded, not being able to talk due to the hand gripping his face. 

"So pathetic, can't even answer a simple question" he said chuckling before he let go of his face. 

"You know Ten, **I don't know whether you make my life better or worse** " he said. 

But he instantly regretted it once Ten's palm came in contact with his cheek. "You know, you are fucking lucky you are with me! So stop being a bitch because I saved you from your family" he said slapping Kun three more times. 

Kun just stayed there and took it, his hands tied to his back. He can't fight Ten, the other one is taller and stronger than him. 

  
"You are lucky you are with me" he said slapping his for the tenth time "Got that?" He said, more of a command rather than a question.

Kun slowly nodded as he felt tears swell up in his eyes making him look up so he wouldn't cry. "Try crying, and I'll give you something to really cry about" he said taking off his belt.

That's what really set Kun off, he started to cry at the thought of what Ten was gonna do to him.

"Tsk, didn't I just tell you that if you cried, I would give you a real reason to cry about?" Ten said grabbing Kun by his neck, making sure not to suffocate the boy just yet.

"Y-yes" Kun stuttered as a tear rolled down his cheek.   
  


🌹  
  
  
  
  



	9. 009

_**TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDE** _

  
"Taeyong?" Jaehyun asked as he looked at Taeyong. He had taken him out of the hospital, and now they were in Taeyong's house.

"Go away" Taeyong said, his back facing Jaehyun. "Taeyong please hear me out" Jaehyun said coming near him grabbing his hand.

Taeyong then yanked his hand away "Go away! I don't wanna see you!" He said as tears fell down his eyes.

"Fine then, fuck you too! All this time it felt as if I was the only one that was actually putting effort in this relationship, and maybe I am. So fine, I'll leave and I won't contact you again!" He said flipping Taeyong off before exiting the house.

As soon as he left the house, Taeyong broke down crying. He didn't want him to leave, he loves Jaehyun. But he needed him to leave for now, he needs no one to be around for his plan.

He needs to be alone, to finally end the pain.

He grabbed a rope from their garage, and went to his room.

He took out some papers, and a pen. He was gonna write everyone he knew a letter, everyone he cared about and hurt accidentally.

One for Mark.

One for Taeil.

One for Yuta.

One for Jaehyun...

And one for everyone else.

He couldn't anymore, he planned this day for years. He always knew what he wanted his last words to be, but he could never do it because of Jaehyun. Jaehyun was always there to stop him.

But now he wasn't, and as he is guessing right now, he hates him. So there's nothing more to be here for.

He wants his pain to end, and he's gonna make it end.

He made the rope hang from his fan, and brought a chair.

He wrapped the rope around his neck looking down at the floor. He started crying once again before looking over at the pictures of him and Jaehyun being happy.

"I'm sorry, I love you. Goodbye" and he stepped off the chair.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


🥀

FIN  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Or  
Is  
It?


	10. 010

"You're lying right?" Jaehyun told the person he was on the phone with. He had just received the news that Taeyong killed himself, and he's driving back to his house.

"Okay, I'll be there in five" he said and hung up. He came to a red light causing him to stop the car. After stopping, he threw his phone on the back before screaming.

How could he even think of being rude to Taeyong? Or to leave him alone, he's so stupid. He started crying, he never cried for anything, but Taeyong was different. Being with Taeyong made him feel special as he got to take care of such a nice person.

A nice caring person who puts others before himself, the person who stole his heart, the person who made him happy. Was now gone, and it was all his fault. 

🥀

He got out of his care and ran towards the front door, seeing Taeyong's mom on the floor crying, but he had to ignore her. Right now, all he wanted was to see Taeyong. So he did, he ran inside the house where the paramedics and policemen where. 

He saw a bed, the body was completely covered indicating the person under it didn't make it, all you could see where his white feet. Motionless, and cold.

He broke down right then and there, he ran towards the corpse and hugged it as he sobbed his heart out. 

"I'm so sorry Taeyong, Iove you so much" he then took the blanket off of his face and he grabbed it connecting their foreheads. "Please come back" he said as he kept caressing his cold face. 

No matter how much he wanted him to come back, he couldn't. Taeyong was gone, not even a miracle could bring him back. 

His face completely pale, and purple, it was a sight Jaehyun thought he would never have to see. Soon enough the paramedics and policemen where telling him to leave the boy, but he wasn't gonna do that. 

"Do you know who I am? Leave me and Taeyong the fuck alone before I make my father fire every single one of you!" He said making everyone back off, scared of the tall man. 

He then continued crying while hugging Taeyong tightly. 

"Please come back! I beg you, I'll be a better boyfriend this time around. I'll take care of you just please come back" he said not being able to let go of him. 

"Sir Jaehyun" one of the paramedics said. "What is it?" He asked facing her. 

"We found this in Taeyong's room, he left letters for some people, and one of them said your name. If you could do us the favor and give this to everyone you know Taeyong was I'm contact with" she said handing Jaehyun the letters.

"Now we have to take him to the hospital, please understand Mr. Jung" she said. To what Jaehyun only nodded signaling that they could take him as he opened his letter. 

_Dear Jaehyun,_

_Please_ _don't_ _hate me, and please save your tears,_ _I_ _am not_ _worth_ _them. I love you so much,_ _I_ _am so sorry for making you mad and annoyed at me. However, it was all part of my plan,_ _I_ _needed you to leave so it would be easier to do this. I_ _won't_ _be_ _bothersome to anyone anymore,_ _I_ _will be gone. Please tell Taeil_ _I_ _am sorry, and Mark_ _that_ _I love him._ _I'm_ _sorry for_ _everything_ _,_ _I_ _love you. Goodbye"_

And inside of the envelope it had some pictures they took when they first started dating, when Taeyong was actually happy. Before all of this started. When he was healthy, when he smiled and laughed more. 

He cried badly. "I'm so sorry for making you feel this way" he said and grabbed one of the pics looking at it. "I'll make it up to you someday, when I see you again"   
  


🥀

It has been 2 years since Taeyong died. Jaehyun had given everyone he knew their respective letters. He had paid for the expenses of Taeyong's funeral, and even bought his mom a house where she could live happily, or at least try to after her sons death. 

She found out Mark was still alive, so she didn't completely lose everything, but she was still recovering from losing Taeyong. 

And well everyone else was doing their own thing, meanwhile, Here was Jaehyun. 

On the roof of his dad's company. Looking down, preparing to see Taeyong once again. 

He looked back one more time, looking at the memories he created with everyone before smiling and looking back down.

Then he jumped  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Falling from a 15 story building.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


🥀  
  
  
  
  


Taeyong sat near a lake, he had died years ago, and he remained near this certain lake. He wanted nothing more than just lay here in peace as he felt happiness within himself. 

"Taeyong?" He heard a familiar voice call out for him making him turn around. He felt tears gather up in his eyes as he looked at the person. 

He stood up and ran to him, crying. Jaehyun embraced him tightly as he cried onto his shoulder. And same for Taeyong. 

They were so happy to see each other. Knowing this time, nothing will separate them.

Jaehyun cupped Taeyong's cheeks and leaned down to kiss him. Taeyong kissed back, but soon broke it off being confused. 

"Wait what? Why are you here? Isn't it too early?" He asked concerned for Jaehyun. 

"I would do anything to see you again, I missed you so much. I love you" he said smiling at Taeyong. 

"Did you really?" Taeyong asked as he started crying again. "Yes, I killed myself, just so I could be with you. And now, we can be together until the end, just like we promised to" he said smiling as he caressed Taeyong's cheeks. 

"I love you, Jung Jaehyun" Taeyong said wrapping his arms around Jaehyun's neck and getting on his tippy toes to hug him properly. "I love you too, my Jung Taeyong" he said. 

"But we never got married" Taeyong said looking at him confused. Jaehyun then took out a box from his pocket. 

"Maybe when we were alive we didn't" he opened the box revealing a diamond ring. "But who's stopping us now?" He asked as he got down in one knee. 

"Will you marry me, now that nothing can get us apart?" He asked to which Taeyong nodded his head. 

"Yes of course" he said. 

They exchanged 'I love you's' before hugging.

They would be together with nothing but happiness.

🌷  
  
  


FIN


	11. ORIGINAL ENDING

"You're lying right?" Jaehyun told the person he was on the phone with. He had just received the news that Taeyong killed himself, and he's driving back to his house.

"Okay, I'll be there in five" he said and hung up. He came to a red light causing him to stop the car. After stopping, he threw his phone on the back before screaming.

How could he even think of being rude to Taeyong? Or to leave him alone, he's so stupid. He started crying, he never cried for anything, but Taeyong was different. Being with Taeyong made him feel special as he got to take care of such a nice person.

A nice caring person who puts others before himself, the person who stole his heart, the person who made him happy. Was now gone, and it was all his fault.

🥀

He got out of his care and ran towards the front door, seeing Taeyong's mom on the floor crying, but he had to ignore her. Right now, all he wanted was to see Taeyong. So he did, he ran inside the house where the paramedics and policemen where. 

He saw a bed, the body was completely covered indicating the person under it didn't make it, all you could see where his white feet. Motionless, and cold.

He broke down right then and there, he ran towards the corpse and hugged it as he sobbed his heart out. 

"I'm so sorry Taeyong, Iove you so much" he then took the blanket off of his face and he grabbed it connecting their foreheads. "Please come back" he said as he kept caressing his cold face. 

No matter how much he wanted him to come back, he couldn't. Taeyong was gone, not even a miracle could bring him back. 

His face completely pale, and purple, it was a sight Jaehyun thought he would never have to see. Soon enough the paramedics and policemen where telling him to leave the boy, but he wasn't gonna do that. 

"Do you know who I am? Leave me and Taeyong the fuck alone before I make my father fire every single one of you!" He said making everyone back off, scared of the tall man. 

He then continued crying while hugging Taeyong tightly. 

"Please come back! I beg you, I'll be a better boyfriend this time around. I'll take care of you just please come back" he said not being able to let go of him. 

"Sir Jaehyun" one of the paramedics said. "What is it?" He asked facing her. 

"We found this in Taeyong's room, he left letters for some people, and one of them said your name. If you could do us the favor and give this to everyone you know Taeyong was I'm contact with" she said handing Jaehyun the letters.

"Now we have to take him to the hospital, please understand Mr. Jung" she said. To what Jaehyun only nodded signaling that they could take him as he opened his letter. 

_Dear Jaehyun,_

_Please_ _don't_ _hate me, and please save your tears,_ _I_ _am not_ _worth_ _them. I love you so much,_ _I_ _am so sorry for making you mad and annoyed at me. However, it was all part of my plan,_ _I_ _needed you to leave so it would be easier to do this. I_ _won't_ _be_ _bothersome to anyone anymore,_ _I_ _will be gone. Please tell Taeil_ _I_ _am sorry, and Mark_ _that_ _I love him._ _I'm_ _sorry for_ _everything_ _,_ _I_ _love you. Goodbye"_

And inside of the envelope it had some pictures they took when they first started dating, when Taeyong was actually happy. Before all of this started. When he was healthy, when he smiled and laughed more. 

He cried badly. "I'm so sorry for making you feel this way" he said and grabbed one of the pics looking at it. "I'll make it up to you someday, when I see you again" 

  
  
  


🥀🥀

  
  
  
  


_Did you know that when we die, we have a_ _desire_ _to go back? Suddenly, we don't want things to end the way they did. We want to cherish, and appreciate more the things we left behind. We realize_ _just_ _how valuable life really is._

_Because of the things around you. The air,_ _the_ _beautiful smell_ _of_ _humidity that_ _I_ _once knew. I can never go back to it,_ _I_ _used_ _to hate it so much because it was_ _the_ _only weather_ _that_ _would occur._

_The people around us. I_ _will_ _miss all of you,_ _I_ _love you all._

_The_ _people_ _we meet, the people we_ _think_ _will never be there, they love us so much. But we are too stupid to realize it, we only think about beind happy_ _ourselves_ _that we do not think about the people who are around us._

_It_ _feel like_ _nobody cares, like no one will ever listen. Everyone just judges you without even knowing you, you think they all hate you. You_ _would've_ _never_ _expected them to care so much, but they do._

_They all love you, so dearly._

_The amazing taste and smell of food. I will never forget the smell of my_ _mother's_ _cooking. The amazing taste of all the foods_ _I_ _had to fortune of tasting._

_And most importantly,_ _I_ _wont ever forget the amount of love that everyone showed me. Even when i felt_ _they_ _hated me, they still made me feel the utmost joy._

_Even if they hurt me, they_ _would_ _make me_ _smile_ _like a 5 year old who just got a piece of candy. I loved it all, but this is my decision._

_I was disgusted by who I was, at least now._

_I can truly learn to love myself._

_I love you all, please don't miss me._   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_🥀_   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


"Daddy, why don't I have a mommy like everyone else?" The little four year old asked. It had been six years since Taeyong died, and Jaehyun decided to adopt. 

He remembered all the times he told Taeyong he wanted a child. He wanted one of their own. Unfortunately, that hope never came true, and it couldn't. 

So now here he was, with his four year old who was too young to remember she was adopted. "Mommy is visiting your great grandparents" he said trying to make it seem less sad. "I know, but when will he come back?" She pouted. 

"Someday, baby, someday" he said softly and smiled calmly. "Are we gonna go visit him today?" She asked excited. "You know it" he said before picking her up and giving her a piggy back ride. 

"Daddy, I love you" she said hugging him. "I love you too" he said. "And I love mommy as well, even if he never visits" she said and laid down on his back. 

Jaehyun's heart broke into a million piece's hearing that. "Mommy loves you too cupcake" he said as tears pricked at the inner corners of his eyes. He quickly wiped them as he didn't want to show his daughter this side of him. He wanted to be strong, be what he could not be when he was with Taeyong. 

"Let's go buy some flowers to give to him" he said and ran faster. "Yay!" Little Seoyeon said excitedly. This time, she will convince her dad to get a different type of flower. 

"Daddy, can we not get roses this time?" She said. "Why, what's wrong with roses?" He asked the little four year old.

"Nothing, but I think we can get mommy something else aside from a flower that says 'I love you'" she said. "Well what do you suggest?" He asked ingruiged by his daughter's smartness. 

"Orchids!!" She yelled. "And why is that?" He asked, testing his daughter. "Well orchid represents love, luxury, beauty and strength. I'm sure mommy was all of these!!" She said happily. 

"Seoyeon" Jaehyun said sternly. "Yes daddy?" She said, acting innocently. "Where did you learn all this?" He asked taking her off from his back and setting her on the ground. 

"I've taken your phone multiple times daddy, you just never realized because you were too busy working. The internet is amazing" she said as her eyes sparkled. "You cheeky little-" he stopped himself and instead started to tickle her. 

"Daddy no~" she said giggling. "Tell me next time you want to use my phone" he said and picked her up again as he started to pamper her face with kisses and smooches. 

"Okay daddy" she said. 

"I love you very much" he said. 

Oh how I love you, so so so so much.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


🥀🥀  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


H

  
e walked around his home, it had been long since the child fell asleep. So he wandered around the big house as if trying to look for something, very very slowly.

He walked around, barefoot, and such a slow rhythm. People outside would probably think he was crazy if they saw him.

This was normal, every year on this day, he would be like this. Mourning over the loss of his loved one.

He finally arrived to the room he wanted, the basement. He walked towards a shelf, and grabbed an album.

It was his and Taeyong's photo album, they took a photo everyday they were together.

It was the only thing he had left of him, the only way he could look at his face for a few more times.

He opened it, and saw a picture of their first date. They went to an amusement park together. Taeyong was so scared to go on any of the big rides, so instead, he made Jaehyun win almost every game prize for him.

Needless to say, Jaehyun was more than happy doing that for his Taeyong. He loved him dearly, and by the end of the night, they got on the Ferris Wheel together.

The memories flashed through his mind, bringing tears to his eyes. He missed him so much.

He tried to suppress the tears, until one finally came out. He sobbed silently, careful to not wake up his princess. However, it was enough to tell that he was in pain and suffering.

"Why?" He asked himself as he held the picture to his chest. "Why did you leave me? I love you so much" he said as the tears would not stop coming out.

"We have a daughter now, she is beautiful. She loves you very much even if you're not her real 'mom' and even if you don't visit her" he said and breathed in so he could calm himself a bit.

"She is so smart, just like y-you" he said as he started to shake. "I miss you every day, I hope you are so happy. I hope you don't regret your decision" he said as he looked at the picture again before putting it against his chest again. He was really hurt, his heart hurt so badly.

He wanted Taeyong back, but he knows he couldn't have him. The thought of never getting his love back made him cry even more. He had a flashback, remembering whenever he tickled Taeyong.

His laughter, his voice, the way he would move.

"I am so sorry I could never be there for you. It's all my fault, I am to blame here. Please don't blame yourself, Taeyong. I am the guilty one here" he said one last time before he continued to sob on the floor. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


🥀  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


"Sir Jaehyun, are you ready?" The doctor asked. He nodded happily. "Wait, dad, are you sure?" Seoyeon asked as she looked at her now very very old father.

"Dad you're still 70, you could still live a bit longer" she said. "It's okay, I don't to stress you out" he said as he reached for her hand. "I have someone whom I've had to pay a visit to for the 42 years. Please, I don't want to feel guilty about what I did anymore" he said smiling so happily.

People would normally beg god for mercy and a few extra years of life. But not him, he had someone who he had been waiting his whole lifetime for. It was time to meet him, finally after all these years. 

"Okay dad, I love you" she said and kissed his forehead. "I'll miss you very much, I love you" she said and grabbed his hand, caressing it. 

"I love you too, my baby" he said and finally closed his eyes. The doctor then took him out of life support, the machine almost instantly started beeping. 

_He was finally able to do_ _what_ _he was meant to do many years ago._

_🥀_

_People who commit suicide, don't go to heaven._   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


"I have to hurry!" Taesuk said as he walked quickly to his classroom. However, much speed meant such accidents would happen. 

He managed to bunch into someone, he quickly looked up to see who it was. Tears instantly pricked at both of the boys' eyes. 

The taller one leaned closed and placed a hand on the others cheek "D-do I know you?" 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


FIN

UPDATE:   
THIS STORY DOES NOT PROMOTE SUICIDE. IT IS JUST SAYING THINGS THAT SLOWLY LEAD A PERSON TO MAKE THOSE DECISIONS. IF YOU ARE GOING THROUGH SOMETHING, PLEASE GET HELP IMMEDIATELY. THIS IS ONLY FOR THE PLOT OF THE STORY.  
PLEASE CONTACT THESE NUMBERS.

WW: 1(800)273-8255(Worldwide)  
KR: (02) 916-9191(Seoul)  
KR: (053) 475-9191(Taegu)  
KR: (051) 807-9191(Busan)  
JP: +81 (0) 3 5286 9090(Tokyo)  
JP: +81 (0) 6 4395 4343(Osaka)  
TH: (02) 713-6793(Bangkok)  
CD: +1 (613) 238 3311(Ontario)  
CN: (21) 63798990(Shanghai)  
IF YOU NEED HELP PLEASE CONTACT THESE NUMBERS, AND IF YOU CAN'T THEN SEEK COUNSELING.

SUICIDE IS NOT SOMETHING TO JOKE ABOUT.


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